Politics Or Mardi Gras?

I honestly dont want to discuss either one. I live in the south and Mardi Gras is well...EVERYTHING. I also live in America so politics is EVEN MORE THAN EVERYTHING right now. Both are getting quite old. Hey, I am tired.

The day did not hold much excitment. Rob was a crab ass due to having no job. I just am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. We are not going to lose the house, we are not going to have to apply for food stamps, and the baby is not going to go hungry. That is a lot more than most people. So my thinking? OK so he has time to bond with the baby and myself before I go back to work and he finds work. His idea? Lets be an ass all day and pout. Middle ground? Nope, I gave up. As I type the baby is laying on the bed with him as he pointlessly flips through the channels. OK male bonding, I guess that counts.

I on the otherhand think I may be developing a kidney infection now. My lower back hurts and in a different way than it hurt ALL THROUGH THE PREGNANCY. So I am guessing my pharmacy in the bathroom is going to get even bigger. Hey Rob could always sell my drugs....OK bad idea.

Oh a New Day...

Pretty good night last night. Hanky only woke up twice. (I think) He is eating 3 ounces at a shot now and in exactly 2 hours he will be a month old. I cannot believe it. Kind of makes me sad...but not too sad to want to do it all over again just yet..or ever!
I do the feedings at regular times during the day. I was doing the 10am feeding/changing and did not get to my cell phone. When I got to it, there was a voicemail. OK cool....called it back: "Hey, I think you need to call me, I just got fired" OH HOLY GOD. Yep, Hubby got fired today for asking for a raise. Lovely ethics in the South here. So um, yeah, I am on maternity leave for another 4 weeks, and Rob lost his job. Factor in a house we have only lived in for 6 months and a month old baby and here we are.
And the nerves continue.....

Yes We Are Here...Doing Better..Sorta, Kinda

Henry is doing Fabulous. He is really a good baby. Not that I have many babies to compare him to but as a first time mom I think he is pretty damn good.
On the postpartum note. Things have turned more to an anxiety prone factor versus depression. And no the anxiety has NOTHING to do with the baby...that is the kicker. The anxiety has to do with my job. I really should not and will not go into vast details of my anxiety and the job though I wish I could because dammit it is making me nuts. OK...it is the prospect that I WILL NOT have a job. The "Your fired" factor. I have 4 more weeks of maternity leave though so I guess I should just ignore work all together, right? God that sounds so damn easy. For inquiring minds, I am teacher (special education). I graduated a year ago so I am a FIRST YEAR teacher at that. Yeah the pregnancy planning didn't happen at the best of time....but it is a long story and I will just try and make it.....without going insane.
But we are doing better than we were. I no longer have the impending feeling that I should have never had a baby. Sure I am tired, and there are nights that God I just want to turn over and go back to sleep, but we are making it. With shaky hands and racing thoughts (work) making it. Sorta...Kinda....

Just a random post....mindlings

I just dont get it. I have this depression this outlook of despair and sadness when everything in the world should make me the happiest woman alive. A husband who loves me, a house which is beautiful, a brand new baby, money in the checking account....yet I think of things and just want to cry. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that my career as a pregnant woman is over. And it makes me sad that Hanky Joe will not always be my baby. Yet he will. I should be savoring every moment of my time with him, but when I feel so badly it is hard and then that puts guilt onto myself and I even feel worse. My doctor says 70% of all women go through this after having a baby....why on earth couldnt I be one of the 30%? Just isnt fair, but they say life never is..it is part of living.
Henry is doing well though. He had his first "sink" bath today. Mammy came up and helped out. God Bless Mammy....we couldnt have gotten through this without her. Any of it...from the moment I found out I was pregnant to this point in time would have been a tradegy without her. I love you mom.
We go to the doctors tomorrow. BOTH are McHotties (love you Beth). I lucked out with my OB doctor who is just well....so appealling to the eye. THEN I randomly picked a peditrician and whoa did we pick one. He is eye candy and an MD. With a nice big wedding ring on....lol. I love you Robert (my husband and soulmate). My OB has me on a bunch of meds for postpartum depression they seem to work one minute and I want to up the dosages thrice some at other times. My poor husband. He has to deal with my mania hormonal rantings while pregnant and now this. God bless this man.
Enough for now, more tomorrow!

I now present....

HENRY JOSEPH KELLY

How is it possible to feel like shit when I have a child who is as beautiful as this? I am convinced the universe has it in for me.

Just make it stop...

It just baffles me. How depressed and horrible I felt because I didn't have a baby. And I thought I would never have one. Now I have a beautiful child and I have these feelings that I don't even want him. I cry, I don't eat, I cry some more. I cry over so many different things. For example: not being pregnant anymore, not going to have any more children (we had made that decision long ago), the fact that daddy didn't get to cut the umbilical cord (had an emergency c-section and was bleeding out too bad), the fact that I was a bitch to my husband when he bought me things during labor.....hell I cry that I cannot sleep anymore, I cry that I don't feel like I have a life, I cry because I go back to work in March and will have to leave my baby. This is nuts, I am on medicine now but PLEASE for the love of God make these feelings go away.

Here You Are!

Henry Joseph Kelly arrived January 7, 2008 via emergency c-section at 9:24pm. He weighed 7 pounds 3 ounces and was 20 inches long.
I really thought everything would be heavenly upon his arrival but I am finding myself utterly depressed. I cry for stupid ass reasons and just feel like hell. The c-section was a bitch and recovery is going to be tough, but it is mentally that I want to heal more than anything. I think about things and cry and it is pitiful. I am going to give it a few more days until I talk to my dr. about it. Going to go have my staples removed on Tuesday we will see how we are doing then.